It's an open road, RIDE IT

The moments I decided to deprive the world of my trust, passion and admiration. I stumble upon people that force my trust and passion and admiration towards them. Some people unravel the cruelty of life through words and actions. We all have a certain devil in us, no one by any means is perfect but being a fulltime devil is maliciously scary. I don’t fear your hatred and jealousy. I fear your inhuman ability to feed me kindness with a conniving spoon. It creates a war in my head when I see people living with no moral compass; feeding of negativity and growing of external pain. I grew up seeking to meet the kindness in strangers .I lived in the furthest point, away from my land and point by point the years dragged me back. Today I feel ok; yesterday a cloud haunted me and tomorrow who knows. My friend told me a story where Saint Charbel took to words and said, “Heaven is up there, why do I only see people steeping low?”  This past month I tried to contemplate why people assassinate? As I imagined how the story ended, I furiously questioned “who are you, whoever you are, to decide when his or her life should end?” Is fear bigger than your conscious?  Did it dig deep into your soul, leaving you with no choice but to end who triggered it? Shame, is a man who acknowledges God in his prayers but overpowers him in his actions. This life might not feed you the medicine of pain but one shall harvest what he seeds. Time has no friend; it will in the end get you. To you living at war with yourselves, don’t project it onto others.  As my life rotates around working and working and working, I pause at times and wonder How come my life is extreme? I never find a balanced point. Is it my age? The Golden years of overworking your soul. I am tired of feeling like that summer breeze will never reach me. I constantly hear people expressing the pride they feel towards me at this moment, criticizing along the way how lost I was 2 years ago. I always wonder why people never praised my guts that brought me back to Lebanon. 2 years ago I woke up from a nightmare; don’t get me wrong I kept falling in and out of ones because living here wasn’t easy. Whoever is reading, I want you to look deep inside and cherish and praise what every makes you happy even if it’s a simple thought and then I want you to approach a friend and praise their tiniest accomplishment. Spread the love and leave a happy mark.

 

He Believed in a Country, he praised, he fought, but moslty his love trust and passion to Lebanon gave birth to fear that crossed enemey lines and ignited a war that only he would win if he came out alive........note he still is.

 

 

 

Lebanese forever

mk

Sorry but Next

I can now firmly stand and say to you “If you have a will, you have a way”.  For years I have always reached, but accomplished? Not really. It’s true anything you want you can have, but there is always that price that puts your morals, beliefs and who you are in front of a panel of judges that sum up to you. You will question yourself why, you will question yourself what if and you will question yourself should I. My advice after several semi accomplished attempts:  If you will out beat yourself in the end, then go in and give it all you got. It’s these once in a life time triggers that life allows us to pull, sometimes you might hit and mostly you will miss. I bravely face life, fearing no one but God. I think you should do the same, for if you fear him, you fear the consequences in life, the karma, the judgment day etc and you will live sensibly. For some time I lived “seeing humans, but no humanity”. Instead of learning to live and love, I learned to live and protect my love. I stand today vulnerable as ever, yet powerless never. Many face what I am facing, many faced and will face, and it’s that gesture life slaps you with. But like they say “man darabaka ahabak” so to all who are down because the world is cloudy, don’t wait for the sun, be the sun and to all and myself who have reached and not reached, you control the ending its all internal. To the world I say thank you, thank you for all the bads that brought the goods.  

Don't wait for it, just do it !!

Oh yeuuh

MK 



Your Curtains will never Close

Dear friend, a friend to this friend to that friend and that friend and that friend and this friend and that friend and and and and and and…… a friend to the world. Though you left us, though you didn’t say goodbye, though you were stolen away by this cruel world, your presence will forever linger. To you my dearest friend I will keep my head up, like you always told me. To you my friend I will live out loud like you did. To you my friend I will keep smiling, like the smile that never departed that wonderful face of yours. I will cry and you will wipe away the tears, I will gaze and you will guide my thoughts I will live and you will walk through it with me.  I will miss your sincere friendship that brought nothing but joy and happy and positive energy to my life. Now you are walking towards a light, a light that shines as bright as your soul. I am sure that you will always look back and you will see faces “many faces” smiling proudly, because to have had you in their life in my life is simple pride. I have many friends but you were among some that I pride myself for choosing. Let me tell you why: When the whole world turned its back you held mine, when the whole world pointed fingers you raised mine and told me to always look up and when I always looked at you, you smiled. Some days I will pretend that you are abroad somewhere doing what you do best “living” it will ease the thought of not being able to see you and hug you. You ran away with our hearts my dear, but you deserve every bits of it………………………………..

its never over

I adore you

RIP

Broken but Believing

MK

After today Comes tomorrow

So here I am, finally at a point where I can just change my current address to Beirut/Lebanon. Now wherever life might take me, I know I have reached a goal that took 9 years in the making. See the important thing is to reach, because once you enter that anticipated door, it’s a whole different world. As days pass maturity ages, leaving us with more common sense that slams our childish behaviors with question marks. Some people take those question marks into considerations and some believe in the power of living the moment. For long I have believed in “living the moment” behavior which might forsake me leaving me with moments and less living. Life could break you, but it could also build you up in much unexpected ways. The power of not searching is clearly a remedy to all antsy prayers. Lately my life has been a pretty drawing that my family, friends, peers, God and I have been participating in. My mom always tells me, “The 3adra has answered my prayers and she is protecting you.” Of course I don’t argue, and deeply believe. I have learned to find comfort in that aspect, having my beautiful mother miles away, I am assured that big momma up there is always a step ahead and behind me. The thought of having found a sanctuary drains away all negativity, loneliness, and your dreams and hopes become immortal. I am finally living as real as it can get. When I am feeling weak, I have my parents, when I am feeling lonely, I have my friends, when I am missing my parents, brother and Sula, I have my family and when I am hungry I have Fahed/sawaya. It took a while for me to laugh at certain moments Lebanon has put me through such as no water and electricity for ongoing days, roaches, azan and the list goes on. But, now I proudly say “I have been through it all” My point is, to know comfort you have to have a taste of discomfort or else how could you differentiate. To win you have to loose or else you are simply a trophy just like any other. Strive to shine, strive to become a role model instead of a model. If you have love in your words, actions, thoughts etc. turn it to passion. Passion brings flesh to the bones. As for love, I am full of it and when my time comes to share it, I will surely welcome him with arms wide open but for now I have myself to hug tightly.

His blood sheded passion for my Lebanon, puts him on top of the list. It's not political , it's my human nature. It's a scorpio thing..........

Bullet Proof,

MK wo akid G 

At ease because I am a true Lebanese

How can a person base a feeling when it changes with every split second? It seems these days you are happy/sad at the same time. I can be laughing my heart out, dancing out loud, loving to the fullest and crying at the same time. Being loyal to my feelings I rarely shed a tear in the dark. If I have the urge to cry I will cry, if I have the urge to scream I will scream, if I have the urge to cuss oh man I will cuss. I daily walk myself back home, it’s a great way to ponder, but be aware of the dam Syrian workers who can get as perverted as dogs and the psychotic drivers. When you find a way to shut all that noise out and simply walk you will read yourself and learn a lot. For instance, I lately found out how OCD I can get when it comes to cleaning!!! Some walks I spend thinking what detergents I should mix to get the best results or where should I start and nchalla ykoun fi water so I can eshtof . Mama you would be proud. Life seems to surprise me daily, its screws me over and over but my love to it seems to grow deeper and deeper. Some days I feel like a stranger in my own world, are those the moments of growing up? Or just moments of despair, because my family isn’t near me? But the last thing on my mind is giving up. I always sing to myself “take it easy, for there is nothing I can’t do”.  Lately my obsession with my beautiful Lebanon has gotten out of control and I am loving it. But what I am not loving are the ridiculous people who pause just to ask me, “why ktir 3ayeshtiya? “To be frank, questions like thee deeply disappoint me. First my innocuous statements are coming out of love, second Yes I am Kataeb and it’s deeply rooted in me SO?, third when I see blocked roads ahead of me I don’t sit and honk I find ways to surpass, and finally in what way have I added or subtracted from your life? Because of Lebanon, I have grown to be a survival, to appreciate the small and aim for the big, to love who deserve to be loved and of course to stand as proud as I can BE. So to the tasteless people instead of asking ME how much my salary is? Or why I love Lebanon? Ask ME, how are you today Michelle ? How's life, work?  And end it with god bless you.  I apologize if I am sounding negative this morning, but the keys on my keyboard are as black as it can get, feeling breathless but never out of breath. Today I would like to raise a glass to the dreamers, who dream beyond the lines of reality. It is he who dreams that will reach and he who judges will fade. We all are a tune in this world that will soon stop playing, so make sure you are as loud and beautiful as you can be and always remember to stay true to yourself because in the end its you and you and you against you.



 Don't cage yourself, Free yourself

Bold,

MKG

                                                        

Love me love me

For some time now, I have been struck by cupid’s arrow.  Blinded by fantasies I find myself eager to discover why do we fall for certain people? Everyone wants to be in love, everyone wants to make love but not every one can love. I am standing in front of your pretentions arrows dear love, silently screaming, “Pull them out”. What could someone do if the mind fell in love? Love can burn the brain away, leaving the heart counting on common sense that isn’t inherited, but sought to survive. Love deflates that ego that we work so hard for, that ego is stripped away revealing the vulnerable soul. I can look at you for a second dear love and find a million reasons to keep loving, but should I? I give myself to him from the essence of my being, and I say thank you to my god. And then I wonder, what are you thinking? Feeling? And more so planning? It seems with love many questions are dotted. At first we are mesmerized by the idea of it, then we are occupied by its darkness and finally we drown in its waters. To all I am talking about the one sided love epidemic. Don’t fear it, but try to avoid it. You might fall for it, but you can always bounce out of it. You could be a slave to your self and might never know. When the demons of love seem to seize your whole, call for a rope from God. When your love in buried in temptations, call your mother for awareness and when love puts you down, call your friends who will redefine love and put you up. Each and everyday I beg to know you more, when I am close to you I am never hungry. What’s this feeling? A constant heart bleeding. I am trying to stay high, but because of you I am bound to drop low. What is this feeling, that makes me not see what is, but always hope for a different what will? But you know what makes hope bigger than the whole picture. I have felt this way many times, so dear love galloups ta choups. J

Keep the sheets clean for someone who deserves

Forever Green

MKG 

Me, myself vs you

It was like last year, when the world seemed to crumble upon my head. I never dealt with words that aimed my way from tongues that had no names and faces in my world. It was like last year when the closest to my heart, became the weakness to it. It was like last year when I felt that regardless of the matter and truth, I was losing. But the fire will eventually die and even though the damage is done, the grass will grow again. The days and months that followed, I found myself effortlessly fighting to surround myself with people that Michelle owned a piece of their heart. It paid off.  You have to live by quality and not quantity. We are daily judged by people who in the end want to be us. It takes a split second to be the best of who you are. And it takes a lifetime to try and be someone. To the jealous and sad tongues, this is what we have to stay, "fuck forever, if you don’t mind. Oh, fuck forever, if you don’t mind, I don’t mind, I don’t mind, I don’t fucking mind." Every moment in life, is unique because it’s a once in a lifetime moment. Some last forever and some pass nonchalantly. But to all the moments we are granted, don’t take for granted. Learn to love the ones that love. Respect the ones that respect and believe in the ones that show and act. Don’t sell yourself to words, and don’t buy them with actions. It is now that I feel the warmth from the people I dedicate a piece of my heart to, it is now that I accept bastard words and I smile and I keep going. And it is now that I will fight the hardest to always be me.  

To my family I will give up my all

Stronger Than Ever,

MK

Walk with me, against me, it doesn't matter

It’s really ironic to me how some people function. The statement of “ I AM HUMAN” is overly and dramatically used to justify bullshit. It’s a daily struggle for me to trust the people around me. I am an open book, and I find it sad to have to filter my thoughts because words are twisted into sharp bullets fired my way. I am always reminded not to trust anyone, bass sorry “I AM HUMAN” and I am born this way. In life we tend to fall for things, people, dreams that become a lifestyle. We become slaves of a self-damaging unrealistic reality. We turn into footsteps, shadows and red lights waiting for someone to push the button so we turn green and move forward. But how many of us get that privilege? This year I decided to cut off many people who attempted to turn sweet moments to sour in 2011. But, I learned that life especially in Lebanon is a poker game. I have learned to bluff a lot and keep that poker face on. So those people are still in the game, bass the reflection of their cards is clearly exposed on their faces. Don’t fear to be surrounded with evil, without evil you will never know the good in you. The saying “God is Great” proves itself to me daily, don’t understatement the power of faith and let me tell you whatever you share with God is universal but forever on mute and only you will hear yourself. In the end, whatever reality you are trying to push, know that nothing is real except what is inside you. If you choose to be real you can always use the statement “I AM HUMAN…SORRY”. Sometimes words speak louder than actions. To 2012 and the people around me, this year it will be more real than ever, so get it together.

Forgive me because i will keep sinning 

It's Time

MK