Inexpressible expressions

If I were to be an animal, it would be this fella

<3

Little girls strolling the streets of Zahle next to their mothers, melts my heart. I was once that little girl, a girl who held her mother’s hand as she walked through life. During those warm-safe days, my mother took me to visit the family every other day. For that, the family got accustomed to seeing our lovely faces, but that was cut short. November 2003, a day when faces got erased from expectations. Doors never rang and memories froze. They froze to the last gathering we had, both sides would sit daily and recall the wonderful moments that were shared and pray for a rapid return to save the broken hearts of lonely sisters, mothers and fathers.  That is how I feel about my family; it is an intense type of love that I cannot explain. Now ask me when I have visited them last? It has been a month or so, and living minutes away makes no sense of it. See I came back, but that little girl is forever stuck in the past.  I feel like the independence the states rooted in me, keeps my distance growing. Whenever I converse with someone about my family, I get anxious and proud feelings are expressed through my words. What type of love is that? I love you but I don’t mind not seeing you. Is it because I have spent eight years far away? Are the differences between us that grow a gap?  As I am writing this blog, a feeling of stress is creeping up on me. I cannot express how I am feeling and it seems like rubbish is filling this empty page. I am afraid the day I lose you dear family, is the day I realize how much I miss you. I wish my parents are here with me, I think if my mother held my hand, I would be walking towards my family. I chose to move to my mother land, leaving my mother behind.  It is a daily battle to wake up knowing of the unknown life I am leading, it is bitter and sweet, cold and warm, thick and thin, shallow and deep and most importantly wins and losses.  I will always be that little girl at heart, and no matter how much I miss my beautiful father, sacred mother and beloved brother I will always remain true to my feelings. And at this moment they are loving Lebanon.