Thinking out loud

Most people around me want love, want to be in love! Up till recently, I was a lead singer in the love choir. I’ve always had a whimsical approach when it came to love. See I am the type of person who is always in a state of love, it could be with a man, a song, clothes, food anything that stimulates my heart and mind, I can fall in love with, and this world has so much magic you can’t blame me. My friend, a solid strong woman who my life would lack warmth if she wasn’t part of the ingredient, would always look at love from a different angle. An angle I am still trying to fathom, but an angle that makes sense. It’s a form of comfort more than passion, I can’t really explain it because I am very passionate and irrationally biased so no matter how hard I try passion will always dominate.

I haven’t written in a while, and writing is usually therapy to me so sometimes I am talking to myself not to you. So, making no sense is normal, don’t judge! Some close ones to my heart are suffering deeply from love, I have tasted that sour recipe before and my God it is painful, I mean sometimes no light can find its way to you. Today, love for me goes beyond mind and body stimulation. Love is communication, comfort, empathy a force driving the good out of people. Love has controlled me, it raised me and it buried me, it blossomed and broke me, it moved me and destroyed me.

I recently realized that sometimes we tend to project what we want to see, hear and feel in people. We orchestrate it to a point where being in love becomes mandatory, but in reality it’s the desperate need of love that manipulates the scenario. We share moments with people and we sometimes turn these moments to a chorus that we want to keep singing and if we fail to proceed the chorus turns into a song, a sad melody! Because disappointed hopes usually react that way. When we can’t harvest the seed of love, we seed negativity on top of it and we keep watering it till there is no room for a new seed of love to grow. We have to learn to allow failed attempts to move along without destroying the memory of it. I am learning to look at the bright side of every attempt, and it helps it really does establish a peaceful approach. Love is not loss, turn into a win no matter what.

  

Number 100

Option: something that may be or is chosen; choice.

To you, to me! Your best friend and worst enemy!  I am going to take this convo to the dating aspect or even friendship zone. This world is all about options, we are all scouting the best of the best. Along this idiotic process we are dismissing feelings, time and most importantly humanity. The freedom of being an asshole has been extended to the point where namoss or akhle2 or “moral” lal amerkan doesn’t exist. We all do it. Can we please stop!

Let’s learn to give time to those who give us there.

Let’s learn to answer or return a call.

Let’s learn to man up to commitments and promises.  

Let’s cut the bullshit and be on the same page.

Let’s speak one language.

3eshtom wa 3ashat 2al Ensaniye somewhere.

Love you

MK

Always is not always

You can’t really lose it, unless you lost it! We always underestimate the power of control especially the mental, leading to a failure status quo. I am listening to Jay Z right now, and now I have the urge to intrude my thoughts with some rapping. But I am not a rapper so I will stop. I am turning 28 on Sunday, 28 years on earth and what have I learned?! I learned that life is all about angles and you choose where to stand. I am still learning don’t get me wrong. Some days I am an A+ student the next I walk around with an F stamped on my face. It’s ok, it happens, SH#$ happens baby. New York will soon turn into a Popsicle, you will hear a lot about it don’t worry. But I am beyond worried I hate the cold! It’s tough but it shall pass and spring will blossom and summer will make you wish it was winter. If you do the math here, you will notice that you are always standing on the opposite side of the green, unless you grow some grass.  

My grass is mine, and your grass is yours ...

MK

August 1, 2013

I usually write with headphones on to isolate my thoughts from distractions but today is not the case. My headphones are lying on my bedroom floor under a blazer that turned into a shirt for last night’s outing. I am very detailed when it comes to my imagining, especially when I imagine the man I love. Yes we all have that one person that we love, loved, will always love, mine has been the same for the past two years. I miss him, imagine him, wish for him, hate him, love him, want him, don’t want him, I am fine, I am ok and I don’t even know. But one thing I know, it’s not meant to be and part of me is ok with that. When all your senses are in place, bullshit remains bullshit! But we live in an era where sense and sensibility are simply a movie title. Really! You might be laughing right now! But when was the last time you checked your phone hoping to get a social media movement your way from a certain someone who is online this very moment. We compromise pride for split seconds of happiness because half the time we are anxious and waiting. I am trying to neutralize the topic gender wise but if you sense a biased feminine perspective don’t overthink it! I am a woman.  “He might kiss someone tonight” “He ignored me” “She is spending the weekend at his house” now do the math! Cheater, Liar and motherfucker. Now wait a second, this is reality? Yes.

Honesty is not a weakness, don't fear it !

Yours for now

MK

Dearest you

If you count your blessings, you are blessed! And if you dismiss them, you are the unluckiest person aka ma fi gheyr tannous bel jeich. I tend to go back and forth, seconds I am blessed, minutes I am not, hours who knows. I think it’s normal to have mixed feelings regarding the fortunate self, but at one point external factors become so deeply embedded and turn to internal tortures. The best balance is surrounding oneself with blessings. I still find myself shocked, like deeply shocked by some external factors, but at a point I am thankful for I do control how it phases me. Of course I spare some sad thoughts, but at the same time I can easily turn people, thoughts, questions, answers etc. into memories now. When things get out of control, you lose control, and man that feeling is awful but really what can you do? Today a beautiful soul so young so fresh departed and it really forced me to count my blessings. When I feed into bullshit, I become bullshit and that is f@#$ bullshit. As you might know, I am a person who acknowledges memories to the max, I might be standing in the present moment, but if you dig inside of me, you would see me floating in memories. I try to find answers of the past in the present and more so hope for answers in the future, but really if you don’t have an answer now, what good is it?

 Be inspired rather distracted 

MK

Dear Heart! Behave

I am not sure what your current state of feeling is, but I am sure pain demanded a positioning at one point. Excuse my marketing analysis on feelings, but I have been studying and interviewing, and some words are embedded in my conversations, such as the feeling of pain. I hope you are not drawing an image of me sobbing and trembling, not that I haven’t. I am talking about the pain that is silent and dealt with one on one. I am not ashamed of that feeling and neither should you. We do gain a lot in this world and should be grateful and in return there is loss and with that, pain in unquestionable. My pain is affiliated with love, I was born to fall in love and be loved. The past three years love has been selfish and quite painful; distances grew, frustrations became loud and clear and cutting losses became a dream. I am not the only one, and that selfish thought allowed me to get out of bed. Human beings survive! We are alive till we are not and that is the weapon that overcomes pain. We have to keep in mind that love is reborn, as soon as it fades, it resurfaces and it’s a cycle. “I can’t breathe!” a dear friend cried to me. It’s a crazy feeling pain! It can translate itself physically, emotionally and mentally and more so at some point it combines them all. Hayete I feel you and many do. Today you let pain win, but tomorrow is a new day. My momi would always tell me, “Micha, be grateful!” As I compare my pain with others, I find it minimal and stupid, but it’s my pain and my battle and when it’s personal it’s major. Praying for your pain <3

When I love, I do it without counting. I give myself entirely. And each time, it is the grand love of my life.
BB, ME, YOU and many more

Regards, 

MK

Hey Man Can I Ask You Something?

I haven’t written in a while, I always try but the words just wouldn't make sense, as if they would now! It’s finally warm, God I love this time of year. It’s the rebirth of the soul, I feel alive. I miss my family so much, they are close but God dam soooooo far! I met some incredible people last week, the type of people from a hello you instantly connect. We shared all present thoughts and feelings, but more so we listened to them. I am really grateful, I have always counted my imperfections and life’s negative behavior towards me. But now I know that life was just teasing me. You know I spent this weekend dancing and laughing, there was one episode where I cried, but I am very sensitive and emotional so it was normal. But I kept over thinking what was going on, I hate not being able to understand stories where I find myself a main character. Last night my beautiful best friend “D” read me a late night quote and then looked at me and said, “We always over analyze when it’s right there, they represent themselves the way they are the way they feel so let’s stop generating excuses and delivering answers to ourselves!” I slept with zero questions in my head. Some words just make sense, and you know what I don’t give a dam F word, see mom I can contain myself J and you too. You can attain anything you want, believe me I know. The moments I felt I lost, I just had to look up and it was a gold medal.

Never mind Man............

He has to make you smile 

Grateful 

MK

Where are your balls?

What separates humanity? How can you really define it? One day you are human to me, the other I can’t even recognize you, or categorize you! It’s sunny in New York, but the reality is not quite so since its -2 in Celsius. To be frank that’s how life has been lately, what you see is definitely not what you get. But there is a sense excitement in that, you have to always prepare yourself, question what’s going on or simply jump right in it and allow your feelings to elevate or drown. I am the type that just jumps in, and it’s clear. Do I fear it? Never! It’s quite bizarre when feelings become tangible and more so a part of you that your trust. I am always speeding through life, hands off the steering wheel, allowing my emotions and feelings to rotate turns. Sadness doesn’t take you anywhere, I once heard. I agree, but to me sadness makes my happiness much happier. Don’t fear sad moments, cherish that feeling because it clarifies what you want in life and more so what you need. Feelings are companions, trust them, evolve them and if you can convert them. I sat one night and prayed, prayers that I was aware would reach out. After I was done, it was done. I waited a year and a half to close my eyes and feel nothing, he stripped every feeling and I thank him. To you out there, thank you for loving me and hurting me. Thank you for hopeless hopes and unpromising promises. Thank you for being you, because what you are I will never be. To my friends out there standing still, waiting for answers, examining, wishing, drowning ….. just walk. It’s a simple act, yet very rewarding. A man who has no answers, is a man of secrets. Secrets are childish lies, that were once appealing. Wo marte helwe metel el talej ya sebhan li khale2haa hiye wo hiye hiye wo hata howe 

Humans separate humanity

MK 

When you talk I Yawn

Having male friends is wonderful but ya mama it’s scary!!! So I won’t disclose your name, just incase some female readers are related. Ok so aside from becoming part of the gang, that is confirmed once you are invited to boys’ night out, you become an excellent listener with a mental pages filling and flipping. One conversation I kept questioning eno kif “how” ley “why” etc is as follows. So I get it, you travel a lot for work, but why can’t you commit to one girl, when all I hear you say, “I just need one girl to add stability” so the story is that, each city has its girl, love story and timeline. And dat don’t impress me much, because at one point actually two points and I won’t lie I was affiliated to a city. Claiming love and missing, were a remedy to the distance but in the end actions do in fact speak louder than any other thing. Come on Micha! How would I date her, she lives so far? Of course you can I said, I mean if she can do it, what makes you any different. Having the ability to shorten distance, puts all excuses to mute. Unless you are a person that needs constant physicality at all times, which really doesn’t exist anymore because we are all virtual prostitutes. Anyways I don’t even know anymore to be honest, all I see around me is complicated scenarios and makes me grateful to be happily single with the intentions of remaining till a fine Lebanese or French or just fine man sweeps me away. And our conversation was cut short because XXX from LA called and she was in town ……

ID 

Ego

Super Ego

Overwhelmed
MK

91 Issues, and on to the next one.

A dear friend of mine painfully said goodbye to her love yesterday, prior to his departure, I saw her holding back the tears, but her emotions forced them out shamelessly. Cry sister! I silently said.

God it is the worst saying good bye to pieces of your heart, especially when a good bye is carried to a different continent and will live on for months till the next hello.

I advised her to cheer up and just fake an excitement to this new anticipation. I mean if I can do it, she can. Since the moment I turned 16 that feeling came to life. I miss them, and I count the days to see them. They leave this world, and I anticipate dreams to see them. They break your heart, but hope allows you to anticipate a moment of reconciliation. See we always anticipate, and I am starting to think it’s an excellent defense mechanism. Foolish but helpful

I just started an internship at a magazine I am pretty fond off, but at 26 I would have hoped all that I have worked for and accomplished would lead me to a job, I feel 18. But in the end it’s a choice and I AM ANTICIPATING TAKING OVER ;)

One more thing, don’t you ever feel like you are alone, we all feel! Just keep that in mind. 

P.S Magazine Issues

I call this education

I call this dedication

Stop at Nothing

MK

Should I wear a collant?

It’s been a while since I felt the need to write. It is usually when feeling sad especially hurt when I feel the urge, now those feelings accompany me at times but they don’t have a drastic presence. I think when you know what you want, or you learned how to read between the lines you stop asking “Why?” I met a beautiful lady from my Masters’ program that shared major similarities weather in personality or interests. Last night we stepped aside from the nightlife and discussed what she has been going through. I know most of my blogs are about relationships and men and women and akh and ekh but come on that’s usually the hot topic after a couple of vodka tonics. Of course we shared back and forth moments in past relationships and our similarities grew stronger. Of course we always ended our contribution in the conversation “Oh it’s his loss” LoL I think that phrase has become a universal ease. But really though! Whose loss is it really? As we proceeded she said they are “Hypocrites” I agreed with excitement but then brought it down with “We should have known better!” You see we can’t control how they treat us or act towards us, but we can definitely control our reaction, which is far more crucial in the equation, it really controls the (equal) part. This week I was invited to attend an event that I would have participated in an encounter with a person that kept me asking (Why?) but I decided to leave the answers unanswered because he had none and I realized that feelings are not permanent just sustainable depending on the who what where and why. Now let’s Guggenheim

Shu Beke Hayete?

Nothing! Rasse 3am youja3ni

:)

MK

Small People, Big Steps

Marc Chagal-Mr. Happy

I am sitting across my roommate Simon, Simon meet my world J He is so cute and more so French, if you know me you know how much I love French people, they are mysterious and well informed. Anyways enough about the French! My dearest friend and I were discussing how men tend to be. I told her listen, we are just nice and we don’t like hurting feelings well compared to some people in our lives. Then I told her try this where you just ignore and guess what, that man texted and texted. I can’t express the disappointment we both shared when that occurred, I laughed and said, “Join the club”. It might be in a man’s nature to like the chase, but at a certain age a man needs to know what he wants. While some people argue, it’s just to easy for the man sometimes, I would agree but then would disagree that at times honesty is mistaken for easy. About to play some chess with Simon so I just have one advise to me and you, you are light as feather and if anyone ever makes you feel heavy just walk away. God bless pretzels 

Tears for fears

You can't avoid them these days. Is it me or does struggling fall in everywhere? In every sense you witness a struggle! Or maybe it's simply growing up? 

Anyways the level of exhaustion is pulling back to bed,  I am thinking of taking it to the gym, fekra helwe no?

bisous

You turned me on, then you turned me off

Helefe?

Phil Collins definitely has major female cells in that beautiful body of his. When we sing together, we sing as one! Gender is dismissed. Anyways Hi how are you? I hope you had a great weekend. Mine was pretty everything, from Man to Broks it was all smiles. Genesis is on right now “Tonight,Tonight”  so I am on the electric guitar on the counter while I am really just sitting writing this. Not everything you feel is attainable at the moment. So proceeding, I would like to talk about why men lie? LOL ok sorry but it makes me laugh, because is it really lying when you personally know what is happening? A gorgeous friend of mine explained to me that when you feel it, it is right! Battling for honesty is plain defeat. To be frank once that connection is broken the doubt will forever manifest within. Till now and even though they have grown ahead, she still finds that sickening feeling of what if? I won’t get into details, if I was writing this a month ago, I would probably have to say that when a Man wants he will same for women, but now it’s about the male. So anyways when I moved to NY I really wanted to see a certain someone but all I got was but, what if, huh heee excuses that frankly took one person to be in the same spot to address that there is someone else. Back then I wished I was her, now amen to the lord that was crucified for all I am not her. While at times we stick with it, let me just tell you one thing boys we do lose respect towards you. You just become a temporary habit and we can all agree habits change. Lies hide things, maybe things that are better kept hidden, but unless you are honest you can’t sit with us.

Everyday I am in my way

I have this habit that has lately been getting on my nerves and when it does I tend to cuss in Arabic but not out loud. So when something isn’t working out or not stimulating me anymore or whatever the case is I right away write “The End” not really taking into consideration that maybe I am the boring one or I am the cause for not allowing it to work. I do know what I want, but sometimes it takes a couple of chapters to realize what’s being offered. I am not the type that regrets my actions but I do question them a lot. I recently tried to change a scenario, I myself drew but I failed. I am hurt and disappointed, but what’s weird is that deep down I know that it wasn’t my scene. When you grow feelings, hopes and a look into the future, you tend to become blinded. My situation was brief, but I am talking in general. It took two strangers I met and a spontaneous night out to allow me to realize what was really going on. When I was asked about my last relationship, I questioned myself was it a relationship? My last one was a bunch of messages, videos, images and calls. But I did have feelings and cared tremendously, I still do. But is that really a relationship? I mean you can have that with several people no? One in a different country and who would know? Btw word of mouth is a beast #justsaying. In this modern world people communicate more but the communication is less. Now it’s about how many exclamation points or hearts you invest in a message. I love you or I love YOU!!!!! Do the math, I am sure to most the second one appeals more. Ok let’s do another one, Hey, How are you? Or hey you!!!! How are you?:)  anyways I miss laure’s cooking and I will leave you with this : remember memories but know that what’s important is what went in and what came out. 

Some make Bad Habits look pretty

Take me to Lebanon

MK

Be gentile with your Genitals

Lately I have been just observing, it's a type of silence that requires internal sound. Anyways I am finally in New York it feels like home except the weird incidents at the metro #nocomment I'll leave it to your imagination just think dirty. I have been meeting the warmest people that allow that tear that I am trying to hold back, to dry up. I do pass through emotional moments where I just want to hug Laure but being emotional is me so wherever whenever I will salut moments like thee and keep walking . I have noticed a neurotic calmness  in New Yorkers btw I am listening to a song and rapper keeps insisting on the question 'you don't love me no moe?!' So I am not the only one :) lol ok so back to the New Yorkers that are sweet and beautiful they have one thing and one thing only to tell me 'Michelle you will hate life at times but you will not want to be anywhere else' and I get it. Ps the neighbor on the 4th is sooooo cute looking forward to elevator rides #feeling13 and Lahza to all in Lebanon this summer be safe and you are on my mind deyman .




Sup
MK

Life is unfair, death is unfair

The first funeral I ever witnessed was when I was 10. I was in the school bus heading home in Zahle, Lebanon. The bus suddenly stopped, I looked up front and I saw a crowd, people in black and an open casket painfully carried. The image of the man lying inside and the blond woman screaming, I will never forget. I was always intrigued by funerals, not emotionally but aesthetically. The black semi vintage suits that women kept ready in the closets over the years in case a funeral came up, the protocol, the hairdos, and the classical style that everyone followed. It was an organic, classy and serious setting. I was young back then so I didn’t quite understand death, till pieces of my heart started dying. Deaths has its right on all of us, we are truly born to die. But, there is unfairness to death. Whenever death takes place, it takes me back to the moments when death was right in front of me, allowing me the last farewell. And then I wonder! Is it fair for us to live to the fullest caring not and worrying never about anything that prevents happiness? I mean should I have just hopped on a plane yesterday and enjoyed a beautiful summer in Lebanon. Should I not care about money and live the moment, “Yalla Micha go enjoy life, money will come. But what about rent, food, blah blah NY is expensive I mean who will pay for that. Allah bidaber!!” Myself questioned myself. See choices in life are tricky, when I hear of a young soul departing I just feel the urge to pursue immediate happiness. But when the compass points towards my future, my ambitions speak out loud. I daily wonder what it would have been if I did, in every aspect, but I know that what is going on, is meant to be.  

 

<3

 

 

 

if they don't get in your pants, they get in your face

Phone therapy sessions are my therapy sessions. It’s more of a mutual knowledge input and realization process. Today we discussed that empty/sad feeling we feel when we wake up. Is it normal to wake up really sad? I think it is, because normally I feel that way. Like I always say, feeling sad is not a problem, it’s a feeling! But, when it turns into a lifestyle/habit it turns into a problem. Not knowing what provokes sadness, could possibly be the saddest thing. I know where that’s sadness is coming from and she is definitely on top of hers. Typically, the solution would be easy. But, in this case it is an uncontrolled matter. Emotional mutuality /anticipation, a feeling that basically sweeps you of your feet, is what we want. I felt that feeling not so long ago; it’s a mixture of excitement, curiosity and a happy wake up feeling. It helped me in so many ways, and I can’t wait to feel it again. And that’s how the session ended, when something or someone doesn’t exist; let’s anticipate the day they will. On a more personal note, I realized that you can’t apologize for being loyal to what you feel. For if it was really real, there would have been no need for an apology. It’s not easy to find love, but it’s easy to fall in love and now balashet etfalsaf bye!

 

no none argues with Einstein!!!

 

metamesha

MK

It's called IMAGINATION

“Boume” : a Lebanese term for describing an annoying sad woman aka “buzz killer”. At this very moment I am a boume. June 19 I was supposed to head to Barca to meet my sweetest Fay, then on the 24^th Lebanon was supposed to meet me at the airport. You know ever since I moved back, I anticipated my return. I was more excited to go back this time, because visiting always had a magical feel to it, I can’t really explain it, but it makes everything much more worthy. Every day, every hour every person counts. I am looking at my mother right now, she is writing a new story she makes my heart melt, kif beddie erja3 eterkek ya albe!!!! Last week Laure and Bob gave me their blessings for New York, my soul smiled. Starting from zero is probably the hardest thing at this moment, but it’s a reminder that oneself should never stop. Life is about sacrifices I have learned , but sacrifices are not losses I keep reminding myself. I think I took emotional to the next level at this moment especially because  Racha Rizk - Succar Ya Banat (Caramel Soundtrack) is on rewind. Yesterday was beautiful I got to spend it with a person I adore, but yesterday I was left with my emotions and thoughts because the situation provoked more questions than answers and I was asking. I am missing, and will miss but who knows.

 

another meaning to Boume

 

 

 

 

....

MK

You shouldn't have slept with him...the friend judged, but I love him....she cried

My whole life was based on honesty; even life itself was tremendously honest with me. I tasted the beauty and the sourness of it at an early age. Life never promised me a running in a flower field reality, I won’t lie sometimes it bothers me. I have been planning the new move since 2013 and finally, I find myself ready. I can feel my legs getting weak, but thank God for my soul to hold me up. I have one thing to share with you at this moment, strength and one thing to assure you, you own it. Now back to honesty! Lately I have been finding myself in a situation where the echo of “Play the game” keeps finding its way back to the room. Echoes are supposed to vanish, but this one is getting louder. “Game!” What game? I won’t lie there was an episode where I found myself advising a dear friend, “Just feed him his medicine. And I won’t lie it worked. As I observe the love scene whether in reality, movies, books etc. I can’t help but place myself in situations where I know for a fact I would fail. Yup Fail because I don’t know and more frankly I don’t care about the game. I find it pretty sad that men expect women to play a certain role to be the one, or more so women have to abide by certain rules to win the “Game”. Honey that game has no end, you might cross the finish line as a winner but that race will beat your pace. See the race is never over, as soon as the gun goes off, we have to keep running till we run out. It’s pretty exhausting to sit and wonder and over analyze, I have done it to the point of a nonchalant reaction waking me up. School yourself on how to win You over, it’s the best companion life can offer.

                                                       What a waste of time to admire eh?
Merci DV


Admiring,
MK