a broken heart was once a blinded one

In the pyramid of my likings, having a long deep conversation with someone I love falls on the top. After so called hours that seemed like added up spilt seconds I took a deep breath and realized how strictly bordered I have become. As I scroll through the days of my life, I notice the same subjects coming up daily. It is like I pause at night rewind in the morning and play all day over and over again. While I sit thinking of certain people, my future, my friends my family, I feel an added stress taking over. Even at this very moment as I am typing I can feel it elevating reaching my drained brain. At moments I pressure it down with the positive thinking weapon, it works sometimes but that stress still surfaces. I have been seeing this scenario in many stories. Are we the era of stress? When is drowning strictly related to water? When is enough is enough? Is the internal power bolder than the external? So back to the conversation, as we sat in bed discussing and plotting, we realized the reasons we keep using to keep the daily subjects alive are nothing but excuses. There is one question that has bombarded my soul and took over many conversations and still I rotate and come back to that dam question mark. All the answers and reasonings are muted by the silence of the source and I am eager to hear. Will I ever hear? No one knows!! If you are relating to what I just attempted to make sense of you would know how annoyingly unfair it is to be blindfolded when your feelings and all are seeing clearly. So the conclusion, there isn’t a conclusion there is an end. When you turn the wheels to the right and the path leads you to the left, let go.

It's My Turn

Fierce,

MK

I want it Magnetic

In the office about to clock out, the day passed like a second. My thoughts are scattered, I am eager to jump on that treadmill and run my heart out. The past weekend was weirdly fun; of course I came across different people, fun, wild, boring, horny, bold and drunk. A mixture that reflects normal human traits! But one thing went home with me, the deja  vu of some traits that haunt me till this day. Whenever I meet someone especially a guy regardless of the intentions towards, I try to see traits that once defined THE love. Intelligence, kindness, humor, killer music skills different. A hybrid mix of what makes my all drool. Is it healthy to always compare, to allow the standards of the past live on to the present deciding on the future? I agree those traits are positively presented, but why is it I see them bigger and bolder thaN what might possibly be better?  I usually don’t intend to take my thoughts further than the borders of my world, action wise. My friend “Memoire” whispered in my ear “Michelle look around everyone wants anyone, what do you want ?” I sipped on my drink, I remember it was a bit strong , “I don’t want to want anymore.” He grabbed my drink and sipped it away. “ Boudoir “my nickname”  we all want to be a painting, we want someone to love our colors see our story and hang us in a special place.”  I smacked that cute face of his and danced my heart out. He might have drawn us, some of us got the light colors, some got the thin brush, but one thing we all are BEAUTIFUL PAINTINGS AND IT TAKES ONE PERSON TO HANG US.

 

Some will bow, some will vow

 

 

Passionate,

 

MK

 

Under your Spell Life

Yesterday I met a stranger, a stranger of background, a stranger to my environment but no stranger to my humanity. I sensed a language in his eyes, it was a sad one. Eyes can talk and this time it was through tears. The power of silence is tested in motions that have only he who feels and only who sees witness it. He looked at me and his tears spoke to me. Our humanity was “DEATH”, the end that we will all reach, the moment where all of us beings and animals have no say or power. “I didn’t know what the feeling of sadness meant, and people envied for that.” He said. “and now all I know is sadness” he cried. I tried to ease his pain with personal losses that drew a shock on his face. His eyes drew an image of “SUPER WOMEN” on me. I proceeded and forced to minimalize his story, but no loss could be minimalized. He lost his dearest friend to a system that has no friends, to a system that builds enemies and tears walls.  I think we fear the devil hypothetically not realizing we are surrounded by many. I insisted to draw a smile on his face that will wipe the tears. “You see in life, you can manipulate reality!” I explained. He looked angry and confused. “Well to me A is in NYC, W in London, L in Boston, A in zahle….” His confusion grew. There are times in life when people are taken away by the rules of life that will be served to all of us, to face it we can just pretend and imagine. Life can be cruel, but we have been born with tools that allow us march on. Today we lose, tomorrow we gain or vice versa. But no matter how, where, and when always know that the only Man standing is God. So when you fall he will lift you up. And yes I am SUPER WOMAN.

 

Mourn when needed, but don't make it a fashionable Habit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Super Woman for the time being

MK



Fool for you

I took a moment last night to look around, to look at faces, eyes, body expressions, and people. All I could see is waiting, there is that girl waiting for that message on her phone or that guy waiting for a glance, that moment when he looks into her eyes and expresses his interest. But they kept waiting. I was waiting for the thought of him to leave me alone. He occupied me full time, and let me just say he didn’t even apply. There were moments where some fine tunes took me to a place that he didn’t even exist, if there is one thing I am grateful for, its MUSIC. I find deep comfort in fast rhythms and insane beats, It moves me shaking off all the unnecessary.  Now the song is over so back to waiting, it was the right and left movement of the heads that distracted the main purpose of being there, FUN. It is now that we base fun and happiness into the hands of others, some are strangers some are semi strangers some are strangers by thoughts, we wonder where are they, what are they doing, will they ever. It was that night when I looked into his eyes and asked, Will it ever? He walked in, I knew it was him because I saw a soul shine brighter than a diamond, Rihanna would definitely know what I am talking about. He said hello, so he is polite she smiled but acted calmly then he disappeared and she waited all night. Wild in Beirut are souls of many people waiting. Some pretend they reached the finish line, with smiles, statuses “oh god those statuses, lets lie and pretend” or even a fake bouquet that surprisingly landed on the desk. Note: in life there is one finish line and when we reach that it’s too late. Yes I am waiting for you to acknowledge my admiration and hopefully allowing it to blossom, but never will I allow my happiness to linger. There is a revolution beneath all the dreams that is waiting to explode. Don’t fear the falling when you know the only man standing is GOD. Grab a bucket of boldness and paint your walls with hope, dreams, love and LIFE and never wait. Well just on the red light........ and he never answered.

 

Let your inner diva take over, dance and let everyone look, feel and care less and in the end Live because it only comes once.

 

 

 

 

YOU

MK

The power of deciding

I finally landed on the American soil or more so the long anticipated one. That soil wasn’t that popular last year but at this very moment it’s the item of the week type of thing. I came to realize that there are three handcrafted by God people that pleasantly imprisoned my heart Robert Laure and Carl Kandalaft to define it #Family that could make desert fruitful for me.  I feel very ill at this moment a terrible cold flu who knows but its definitely not overpowering the feeling of “safe “that warms my soul. Enough about family and souls, there is certain someone out there that has been promised some good stuff. Have you ever kissed someone and suddenly images of men you once felt hopeless without or simply yearned to kiss flash rapidly in your head? for boys ad wo to men? Well that happened to me a week ago, I felt the need to stop and acknowledge those images that dizzied me. But the good thing about flashbacks is that they can’t overcome reality. Some website described me and a million women and more out there as intuitive, controlling, and sometimes self-destructive, but in all this we have a certain deadly beauty to our personalities. we are fearless and stubborn and even when life gets a little tricky we merely take it on the chin and keep going. They were talking about scorpio women. Clever words describing a personality so sharply edged it penetrates vigorously, leaving damages most of the time. I have been noticing lately how disappointingly hard it is to find a decent man or woman. People are playing games with no rules! Who wins in the end is in the hands of the heartless and senseless. Yes I want to be deeply be in love and I want to wrap his all around my all and I want to look into the eyes of the future with him holding my hand and yes I want to get high of his love and adoration. In this world you have nothing to loose nothing to gain, so why do I see tragic scenarios that have no humanity. It’s the “ I KISSED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT” lyrics that you hear men chanting to one another and when the phone rings “3ade hayete mashwe wo el chabeb”. The thought of him sustained me but the reality of him tortured me, I had to loose him without even owning him to know what freedom really is. To the men and women out there who believe that when the heart feels, everything around it follows, to you who give and aren’t given and to you who are pushed to a nomadic type of madness that pushes you to keep moving for the sake of forgetting! Drop it. He who doesn’t care is not aware. I will leave you with you, because the word you starts with you and ends with u. 

Tongues are bloody weapons

thoughts driving fast

MK

It's an open road, RIDE IT

The moments I decided to deprive the world of my trust, passion and admiration. I stumble upon people that force my trust and passion and admiration towards them. Some people unravel the cruelty of life through words and actions. We all have a certain devil in us, no one by any means is perfect but being a fulltime devil is maliciously scary. I don’t fear your hatred and jealousy. I fear your inhuman ability to feed me kindness with a conniving spoon. It creates a war in my head when I see people living with no moral compass; feeding of negativity and growing of external pain. I grew up seeking to meet the kindness in strangers .I lived in the furthest point, away from my land and point by point the years dragged me back. Today I feel ok; yesterday a cloud haunted me and tomorrow who knows. My friend told me a story where Saint Charbel took to words and said, “Heaven is up there, why do I only see people steeping low?”  This past month I tried to contemplate why people assassinate? As I imagined how the story ended, I furiously questioned “who are you, whoever you are, to decide when his or her life should end?” Is fear bigger than your conscious?  Did it dig deep into your soul, leaving you with no choice but to end who triggered it? Shame, is a man who acknowledges God in his prayers but overpowers him in his actions. This life might not feed you the medicine of pain but one shall harvest what he seeds. Time has no friend; it will in the end get you. To you living at war with yourselves, don’t project it onto others.  As my life rotates around working and working and working, I pause at times and wonder How come my life is extreme? I never find a balanced point. Is it my age? The Golden years of overworking your soul. I am tired of feeling like that summer breeze will never reach me. I constantly hear people expressing the pride they feel towards me at this moment, criticizing along the way how lost I was 2 years ago. I always wonder why people never praised my guts that brought me back to Lebanon. 2 years ago I woke up from a nightmare; don’t get me wrong I kept falling in and out of ones because living here wasn’t easy. Whoever is reading, I want you to look deep inside and cherish and praise what every makes you happy even if it’s a simple thought and then I want you to approach a friend and praise their tiniest accomplishment. Spread the love and leave a happy mark.

 

He Believed in a Country, he praised, he fought, but moslty his love trust and passion to Lebanon gave birth to fear that crossed enemey lines and ignited a war that only he would win if he came out alive........note he still is.

 

 

 

Lebanese forever

mk

Sorry but Next

I can now firmly stand and say to you “If you have a will, you have a way”.  For years I have always reached, but accomplished? Not really. It’s true anything you want you can have, but there is always that price that puts your morals, beliefs and who you are in front of a panel of judges that sum up to you. You will question yourself why, you will question yourself what if and you will question yourself should I. My advice after several semi accomplished attempts:  If you will out beat yourself in the end, then go in and give it all you got. It’s these once in a life time triggers that life allows us to pull, sometimes you might hit and mostly you will miss. I bravely face life, fearing no one but God. I think you should do the same, for if you fear him, you fear the consequences in life, the karma, the judgment day etc and you will live sensibly. For some time I lived “seeing humans, but no humanity”. Instead of learning to live and love, I learned to live and protect my love. I stand today vulnerable as ever, yet powerless never. Many face what I am facing, many faced and will face, and it’s that gesture life slaps you with. But like they say “man darabaka ahabak” so to all who are down because the world is cloudy, don’t wait for the sun, be the sun and to all and myself who have reached and not reached, you control the ending its all internal. To the world I say thank you, thank you for all the bads that brought the goods.  

Don't wait for it, just do it !!

Oh yeuuh

MK